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August 20th, 2012

09:25 pm: First Day of School
Welp, today was the first day of Fall semester. My class today went well, it's a twice-a-week math class for health professionals. Should be easy as pie.
Tomorrow I have my first chem class, ever, but it shouldn't be too bad either.

It felt alright being on campus. I was nervous, but it wasn't as big a deal as I thought it would be. I felt productive, confident, and smart. It was nice!

I've gotten some homework done this evening, and since we're officially moved home, getting everything cleaned and put away has been a definite undertaking. I really ought to clean the bathroom and put all our toiletries away, but... it's a torrential downpour outside and I don't want to. :/

Perhaps I'll just fuck around on the internet, then grab a snack, go climb in bed and study my med terms. Yeah, that sounds about right.

August 18th, 2012

11:01 am: First, a rant: Get your shit together. For real. Stop making irresponsible choices, and then whining after. You're a grown-up, fucking act like it. I have no sympathy.

Just went in for my WW meeting. I signed up when I went last Saturday, and today was my first weigh-in after the initial one. I lost 4.6 lbs this week!

I've got about a billion chores/errands to do today and tomorrow, and it's going to be a struggle accomplishing it all. But it'll be worth it, especially as Monday is the first day of the new semester, and I want to have all the piddly stuff wiped off my plate by then.

Also, got a 4.0 for summer semester. Dean's List for the second semester in a row!

Current Location: Richmond, VA
Current Mood: busybusy

July 5th, 2012

12:41 am: Hypocrite.
I'm 3 shitty pages into an 8 page research paper that promises to get even shittier.

Paper topic: Childhood Obesity.

Weighed myself today.
Got depressed.

Came home to sit down and start my paper, and I've eaten half a stack of Pringles, a whole serving of chicken pot pie, a Toblerone bar and two blueberry muffins.

I really want to just crawl in a hole and die. Seriously, just put me out of my misery.

Oh, and we bought bicycles today. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the irony/futility.

June 30th, 2012

11:22 pm: So busyyy.... Urgh.

June 25th, 2012

02:56 pm: Storms? Yus.
It is storming outside, insanely so. We have tornado warnings, and it's hailing out. We pulled into the garage, from being out running errands, about 4 minutes before the storm hit, so... Perfect timing!!

As much as this storm makes me want to curl up in bed and snooze, I MUST study.
Commencing study session: NOW.

07:58 am: Case of the Mondays?
Well, four hours of sleep isn't NEARLY enough.

Jack's sleep schedule is all wonky, so we're getting him back on target today. *nods*

He'll be 10 months old in a week, but he eats like a 2-3 year old- the Doctor says I shouldn't worry, but I don't think she gets just how much he is eating. I think he has hollow legs.

I want to instil healthy habits in him, so that he doesn't struggle with the same issues that Ryan and I struggle with. But how do you teach someone to eat healthily when you yourself can't manage to do so?

It's scary raising kids. And mine doesn't even walk yet!~


In other news, my psychology midterm is this week. I'm terrified that I won't know a single bit of the information. I also have to start writing an 8 page research paper. I know 8 pages is nothing compared with what some students have to do, but to me it is completely daunting. I've never really written a paper (hard to believe, I know. My school was... subpar, to say the least.) and I certainly have never used APA format. I don't know how to locate reputable sources and I have serious doubts about my ability to wax on for 8 pages, regardless of the topic.

I'm still breastfeeding, about 3-5 times a day now that he's doing amazing on solids. But now that I'm not nursing all day, every day, I've started to reintroduce caffeine into my diet. I know some people would think that after 10 months off caffeine, why would a person go back? My God, I don't think I would ever get used to life sans caffeine.
I don't overdo it- typically a cup of coffee in the morning, and a diet coke around midday. But damn is it satisfying!

Ryan is in school, too. He's looking to get his associates in Business, and then get his bachelors in Accounting. I'm really proud of him- I know going to college for the first time at 33 years old was scary, but he seems to be enjoying it and he's met some friends, which is nice since he had to leave his best friend when we moved back to VA from TX.

I'm in the pre-Nursing program at a college here, and I'll be finished with it's requirements in May of 2013. Then it'll be time to apply to Nursing school, and it's so competitive, you basically need a 4.0. I have one right now, but I'm terrified of what this Psychology class requires and how I may or may not screw up my GPA.

I'm sleepy, and still kinda down on myself, but I do feel better this morning. Just trying to run through it all, and tug things into order.

Well, I'm going to go pull Jack from the playroom and start getting him settled down for his first nap of the day.
I hope you all have a happy Monday!!

Current Location: Richmond, VA
Current Mood: sleepysleepy

June 24th, 2012

10:19 pm: Me, me, me, me, I, I, I.
I have so much schoolwork to do, and I don't know if I'm capable.
But I gotta be. I need to get into nursing school.
Failing is not an option, because failure means totally screwing our future.

I need to lose 50 pounds.
I must not truly believe that I can, because I don't seem to give it my all.
I have never worn a bikini, but I'm pretty okay with that.

I let my cravings get the better of me and I hate myself for it.

I feel overwhelmed. Between taking care of my husband's grandmother, taking care of our son, doing chores and errands, doing my schoolwork... I barely have time to take care of myself. I'm lucky if I get a shower every other day.

I want self-control, I want to sleep in, I want to be confident in myself and my abilities. I want to feel sure that my efforts will pay off.

I don't like this place. This sadness.

It's not productive and I don't have time for it, and yet...
Here I am.

*sigh*

I know this is mostly just a passing mood, and I'll feel totally sunshiney in the morning. I'll still hate my body, but everything else will be manageable. But until the morning, I'll be feeling this way... Which is kinda lame.

Current Location: Richmond, VA
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

February 10th, 2012

11:45 am: Well, okay then!
-I've decided to start filming Jack, so that my parents can see him in action at least somehow, rather than waiting til we visit which is every 2-3 months. I'll just YouTube small clips, and maybe link them here or on my FB. Hey, everyone likes cute babies, right?

-I've joined Weight Watchers and I'm so jazzed! After my surgery, I lost 100lbs, but then I met Ryan and got engaged and put on about 35-40lbs. We got married, I got pregnant and I really didn't want to gain anything while pregnant, so I used tips from my MIL (who has lost 50lbs on WW) to track my points, and I managed to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight when Jack was, like, 3 weeks old. I was wearing my skinny jeans, and all was well!

Then, I struggled with a little post-partum blues, and serious stress and I gained 15lbs.

Cue panic and disgust. So, I've joined, officially, I'm committed, I'm tracking and I've set a rewards system for myself and I can't fucking wait to reach each milestone.

When Ryan and I met, I was a size 14-16 and I had never felt better about myself. I felt sexy and energetic, I could go for a jog and climb stairs without getting winded.
I want to be healthy and have the energy to run around and keep up with Jack as he gets older and more mobile, and right now, I don't have it.

So, I'm going to fucking DO SOMETHING about it.

No more excuses, no more feeling sorry for myself and no more ugly voice in the back of my head that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough to be worthy of the awesome things in my life. Fuck that. This is mine.

Current Location: Richmond, VA
Current Mood: empowered
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September 21st, 2011

09:13 pm: Worry: Thy name is parenthood.
Jack arrived on 9.2.11, 8 lbs 13.1 oz and 22 in long.
We went in for our two week check up today, he now weighs 10 lbs 10 oz.

I am tired, exhilarated and in awe of this little guy!
We are learning, figuring it all out, the three of us.

I'm struggling with something that seems like postpartum depression. Every day is a little better, but this sadness is something no one really seems to talk about and that makes it intimidating. I feel as if I am broken and I worry tremendously that I'm not going to be "good" at being a parent. It's the most important job I'll ever have.. How do you know the right methods to employ, the right things to do?

I feel that my job ultimately boils down to making sure that Jack feels safe, secure, loved and comfortable. And yet, with a newborn, there's no way to know how you're faring. There's only feedback in as such that sometimes he is content and sometimes he is crying and I simply don't know how to fix it.

At the end of the day, he is the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on. He is the most precious thing in the world to me and just the thought of his potential and his perfect little hands bring me to tears.

Current Location: Richmond, VA
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

August 3rd, 2011

03:13 pm: Eeewwww, gross!
I lost a small, tiny piece of my mucous plug on Sunday.
And today, at the OB appt, we found that I am 1 cm dilated.

Of course, that doesn't mean anything, because you could walk around dilated to a couple cms for a month and not even know it. So...

We'll just wait and see!

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